ABATI, THE CONFUSED SPOKESMAN AND HIS BOSS

"Have you read the latest from your brother?"
"Which of my brothers are you talking about?"
"Reuben Abati na. Is he not from your State? Shebi you used to be very proud of him when he used to throw missiles at your President. Are you not proud of him again?"
"Oh! Dr. Reuben Abati. I lost all respect for that man the day he joined the Jonathan administration. I used to read Guardian Newspapers just because of him. When the announcement was made, I placed my salary on a bet that it was a rumour. Alas, I lost the bet."

"That wasn't a very smart bet if I may say. Didn't you see Segun Adeniyi? Yours is like someone placing a bet that Arsenal will win treble this season."
"Hey, don't abuse my club. Don't even go there at all. What is it you want to discuss about Abati's article: THE JONATHAN THEY DON'T KNOW"?
"Did you see how that guy finished all Nigerians who criticize his boss? 'Pestle-wielding critics', 'the distracted crowd of Facebook addicts', 'the BBM pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria' who seem to be in competition among themselves to pull down President Goodluck Jonathan…"
"But it's true na. Don't you think most criticisms against GEJ are not constructive? Most Nigerians just go on social media to say all sorts. They use their blackberries to spread rumours against the government. It's true we don't like the Government but we should always think of making things better. Like Abati rightly wrote, many Nigerians don't even know why they attack the President! That's unfair"
"So, it's now a sin for Nigerians to criticize your clueless President abi? The part that angered me the most is how he attacked the 'Facebook crowd'. Even if we agree that the Twitter crowd can be unruly, why should he attack those of us on Facebook? I thought his oga brought Facebook to Nigeria."

"There you go again. That's one of the rumours you guys peddle. When did Jonathan say he brought Facebook to Nigeria?
"So you didn't hear that too? Was it not at Eko Hotel they said it? I'll never forget that day. The whole of the Island was blocked because your President was paying a visit. I walked from Muri Okunola in V.I to Obalende."
"I think it's wrong when you keep saying 'your President'. Is he not President to all?"
"I'll be charged with treason if I don't stop? What has your President done about the Ogoni guys that declared Independence?"
"Na you sabi. All I'm saying is that we all need to work with this guy to make things better."
"But how can we ever work with a President who has unleashed 'attack Lions' on his own citizens?"
"Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying we cannot criticize the government at all. The President definitely needs 'attack Lions' to survive. How do you think people like Lai Muhammed of ACN and El-Rufai can be handled? Those guys will bring down a government if care is not taken."
"Is that why he wrote that leaders of opposition are representing their own interests? Does Abati know that Nigerians are tired of their 'Umblella' government? Where was he during the Occupy Nigeria protests?"
"But the President still bent his policies to satisfy Nigerians and the protests were brought to an end."
"No be your fault. If only the NLC didn't sell us out. See how they have rubbished the subsidy probe that we forced them to do"
"At least some people are now being prosecuted for that"
"But seriously, I understand Abati's problem. How can you be the President's spokesperson and people who are not even journalists become threats to your job? Ayo Oritsejafor, Asari Dokubo and Edwin Clark's voices have been heard more than Dr. Abati's"
"If na you nko? The President brought Doyin Okupe on board and he started putting opposition leaders in their place. He also told the media that he is the 'attack Lion' which obviously is more dangerous than the 'attack dog' he was being called."
"And don't you think Snoop Dogg, sorry, Snoop Lion had a hand in this? I believe it is important someone finds out if Doyin Okupe visited Jamaica recently. Remember Snoop became a Lion after he tasted the Jamaican weed."
"Are you now insinuating that Doyin Okupe changed his name after a visit to Jamaica?"
"That is not even my problem. What are we doing about local content? Even if our officials must take weed, can't they patronize our own weed merchants here? Sikiru, the popular weed merchant is there at Oniru na"
"I don't know about that o."
"How will you know? Let's go back to your brother, Dr. Abati. Reading through his article, I ended up asking myself one question – Why was this man highly regarded by anyone?"
"It's not like I'm supporting Abati but your case is like that of a young man who missed out on a lady. He will say rubbish like you are saying now. He will ask why he ever felt the lady was beautiful in the first place. We know your type."
"But left to me, Abati wrote that article only to advertise the book he will write as soon as leaves the government. He believes it will bring a lot of money since Segun Adeniyi did the same. My only question is – does Abati think anyone will buy that book?"
"Just dey deceive yourself. On that issue, Abati told you to 'hold your stone. Don't haul it yet, Mr. Alaseju'"
"That's another part that annoys me! When did Reuben Abati stop being a gentleman? Is this not the same Abati that rebuked Late Chief Gani Fawehinmi for criticizing OBJ after Stella's death? Abati wrote about honour in an editorial afterwards. Why should he refer to us as Alaseju just because we are tired of his boss?"
"My problem with you critics is that you are allowed to use any word against government officials but you take them up whenever you feel offended by their choice of words against you."
"I don't agree with you. Even Abati wrote about 'Volenti non fit injuria.' He has a law degree and he understands. If you don't get it, talk to your lawyer please."
"The funny thing is that if most of us know what Abati knows, people will stop criticizing the man. D'banj said the same thing in his new song, Oyato. He said if we know what he knows, we will stop blaming him for Mo'Hits break-up. Abati was once like you. He used to abuse Jonathan and his wife. At times I wonder if Patience won't poison the man one day. Didn't you read what he wrote after Patience embarrassed the Presidency in Port-Harcourt? When she 'instructed' Rotimi Amaechi, a state Governor, to halt demolition of some structures."
"Wasn't that bull-shit? Does the fact that Abati joined the government take that away? And how do you justify the First Lady's appointment as a Permanent Secretary? Even Abati couldn't mention that in his article"
"The Perm-Sec appointment is not in issue here. Even if it was, doesn't she have the right to be so appointed?"
"So you are in support of that silly appointment?"
"It's not like I'm in support but there are more pressing issues to discuss. Nobody is praising the President that power generation has risen to 4,400MW, the highest in the history of the country."
"That's true. Your brother celebrates that too in that his nonsense article. He mentions Lagos-Ibadan Expressway too and gave a hint that Bi-Courtney may eventually be thrown out. If shame no dey catch GEJ because of the ogogoro that he takes every day, Abati nko? What achievement have they made in Agriculture?"
"This is unfair! Abati explained that it is nothing but a rumour that the President takes ogogoro. He also denies the allegation that he is tribalistic"
"He is not tribalistic? Dey deceive yourself. Why did he keep 'Uncle' Azazi as National Security Adviser for long? Was it not because they are from the same state?"
"Of course you have no point here. He stopped being tribalistic by bringing an all-knowing northerner. However, has that stopped Boko haram from wreaking havoc?"
"At times I wonder the kind of Evil spirit that resides in Aso Rock. That terrible spirit has a way of making brilliant people go dumb overnight."
"Why did you say that?"
"Let us agree that Jonathan has been clueless from day one, what of Abati? Can you imagine that while Abati was trying to portray the President as someone who is not tribalistic, he listed twelve offices in the Presidency and 3 of them ended up coming from the President's Bayelsa state?"
"He must have written that part in haste"
"Which part? He wrote the whole thing to show Jonathan that Doyin Okupe is not the only one who can bark at Nigerians"
"But from that article, you can see that Jonthan actually reads and writes unlike what most Nigerians believe."
"Really? I thought readers are supposed to be very smart. That's one of the most annoying parts of the article. How will somebody use 'clever', 'methodical' and 'intelligent' for Jonathan in a single sentence? Haba! Thank God Abati didn't tell us that Patience reads and writes too, that will be taking the lie too far."
"You criticize these people like you will perform any better if you take the position. If you sef reach, you no go chop?"
"That reminds me, Abati also told us that the President doesn't spend billions on feeding as it is widely believed. What do they now do with the money? That should also be probed!"
"How do you expect me to answer that? Am I in the Presidency?"
"All said, in as much as Abati tried to outclass Doyin 'Attack Lion' Okupe, he didn't tell Nigerians what he wants us to call him. Is it Jonathan's 'Attack Vampire' or 'Attack Dragon'?"
"Call him whatever you like. If you were in his shoes, you would do the same."
"That's true, Abati also informed us that the I-had-no-shoe slogan was only used figuratively. That means Jonathan was not as poor we understood. Isn't that a scam? A lot of us voted because we pitied the man who went to school without shoes."
"So you actually voted for him."
"I'm ashamed of myself now, but I voted for him"
"Like Abati said, Jonathan is so simple. Maybe that's why most Nigerians take him for granted and abuse him at the slightest opportunity."
"So if he's simple, that's why Abati should compare him with great leaders like Abraham Lincoln and Mahatma Gandhi. It's either Abati took Ogogoro or he took weed before writing that piece. I have a strong feeling he took both sha."
Please read Dr Reuben Abati's article here

Source: Sagay Agbalaya
@SagaySagay